January 2024

It’s exhausting becoming your emotions

Self / /

This month, we have talked about how to act instead of react, click here to read now. But certain situations bring out emotions. And even though we are responsible for our responses, we still need to deal with the emotions.

Take a step back from your emotions

So the first step seems obvious. You may have been told to count to 10 as a child, to regulate your emotions. When you take time to take a step back from your emotions, you get to self-reflect. Afterward, you feel more conscience and might figure out the best way to process those emotions.

Don’t be consumed by your emotions

Remember that you are not your emotions. Whether it is insecurity, anger, or feelings of hurt. We can make emotions part of our identity. The consequence is that you limit yourself to behaviors that are in line with that emotion. Second, you will let that emotion consume you and as a result, you will stay in the state of that emotion. The fact that we are human beings and can reflect is such a beautiful thing. Because we can process the emotions and eventually let them go.

Exhausting

Also, it takes a lot of energy to become that emotion. Whenever we feel an emotion, we spend a lot of time thinking about it and how it affects us. For example, what someone or something has done to ourselves. Or how stupid you have reacted to someone or something. First of all, that event is in the past and we can’t do anything about that. What we can do is notice the emotions we have and evaluate how to handle them. This will be a lot less exhausting. In the end, we have to actively decide to not be consumed by emotions.

Full range of emotions

However, it is important to process the emotion that you are feeling. This previous post discusses how to embrace the full range of emotions.

Source: Unsplash, Hendrikke Due

It’s exhausting becoming your emotions Read More »

The circle of influence, how to take action

Self / /

In the book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” Stephen Covey talks about two kinds of circles. The first and the larger circle is called the circle of Concern. Which contains all the things you are concerned about. In other words, all the things that take space in your mind. For example, your loved ones, your health, your job, the weather, the economy, etc. Some of these things we can control, in other words, we influence these things. They reside in the smaller circle: the circle of Influence.

Source: dplearningzone

One way to determine in which circle to categorize things is to distinguish the “Haves” from the “Bes” Examples of the “Haves” are:

I'll be happy when I have ...
If only I had a more patient partner ...
If I could just have more time to myself ...

Anytime we think the problem is “out there”, that thought is the problem. If we like to be more proactive and change our current situation, it is best to adjust your language to the “Bes”. These types of words focus on the ways you could be to improve your current situation. 

I can be more resourceful. 
I can be more understanding.
I can be dedicated.

The sentences above require action. Moreover, they won’t let the behavior of someone else dictate the outcome of your mood. If you like to know more about a proactive attitude click here to read that post.

Source: Unsplash, Yiran Ding

The circle of influence, how to take action Read More »

How to be more proactive

Business / /

Now in the previous post, we discussed the step from reacting to acting on a stimulus. In this process, the following components come into play:

  • self-awareness
  • imagination
  • conscience
  • independent will

Having a proactive attitude towards a stimulus means shifting the responsibility from the other to yourself. I would like to dive deeper and discuss the concept of taking a proactive attitude. Below you can find practical tips borrowed from the book: “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” .

Taking the initiative

Some people are in a situation (which could also be a stimulus) where they would like to change things in their lives. But the initiative to make those changes is still challenging. Sometimes these people are waiting for something to happen or someone to take care of them (it).

Act or be acted upon

If you are not willing to act and take responsibility for a situation/stimulus. Then your environment will shape your situation. When you are faced with adversities for example in your business. Ask yourself these questions: What is our/my response? What are/am we/I going to do? How can we/I exercise initiative in this situation? Disclaimer: this doesn’t mean only thinking positively and saying ” Oh we’ll be alright”. By taking a proactive attitude you face reality but also choose to see the positive side and work towards improving the situation.

Listen to your language

The easiest way to check whether you have a proactive attitude is to listen to your language. And specifcally your choice of words. Examples are: 

"I can't do that, I just don't have the time"
"That's me. That's the way I am"
"There's nothing I can do"

One thing that these sentences have in common is that the person who said it gave all the freedom of choice away. They didn’t take responsibility for their priorities (I know again with the responsibilities). Stephen Covey even wrote: ” That language comes from a basic paradigm of determinism. And the whole spirit of it is the transfer of responsibility. I am not responsible, not able to choose my response ”

One example of changing the narrative to owning responsibilities mentioned is the book is called “The Haves and the Bes”. And will be discussed in the upcoming post.

Source image: Unsplash, Rocco Stoppoloni

How to be more proactive Read More »

The way you act

Business / /

Imagine this: someone is blaming or accusing you of something. One of your reactions might be to; be defensive, react the way to other party expects you to react, respond from emotions. In some situations, you may be inclined to think that you are pushed in a corner. We may even feel like we had no choice, that we were forced to respond that way. But the hash truth is that we always have the freedom to choose our responses.

We are responsible for our actions.

It may be a bitter pill to swallow. Because it is easier to react instead of act (I’ll come back to the difference). It is easier to say: “That person was pushing me to say this or that”. Or ” That person made me so angry/sad/furious I had to say it”. “That person was attacking me and I had to stand up for myself.” But in all those sentences you blame someone else. Now I’m not saying that you don’t have the right to defend yourself, but it is your responsibility to choose how you respond.

Space between stimulus and response

Now between a stimulus (= whatever made you angry/sad/furious) and your response there is an empty space. Viktor Frankl refers to that space as “man has freedom to choose”. You get to elaborate how you want to respond and what the best way forward is. Stephen R. Covey best describes this freedom in his book: “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”.

Within the freedom to choose are those endowments that make us uniquely human. In addition to self-awareness, we have imagination, the ability to create in our minds beyond our present reality. We have conscience, a deep inner awareness of right and wrong, of the principles that govern our behavior, and a sense of the degree to which our thoughts and actions are in harmony with them. And we have independent will, the ability to act based on our self-awareness, free of all other influences.  
                                                                                                                                                                              - Stephen R. Covey

Act instead of react

So basically when you react to a stimulus you immediately respond. Which is equivalent to talking before you think. But the better option might be to act on the stimulus. This means that you spend some time thinking about your response, with self-awareness, imagination, conscience, and independent will. Which is equivalent to thinking before you speak.

Source image: Unsplash, Nadine Shaabana

The way you act Read More »

Scroll to Top