June 2023

Being vulnarable and getting connected

Business / /

Being vulnerable doesn’t mean you’re weak. It actually means you are confident enough to tell others you’re not perfect. By showing your full self, you are able to connect with others, improve the quality of your network and prevent future burn-out.

Connecting

Have you really admired the way of working of let’s say a manager or a colleague? You think to yourself, he/she looks like they have it all together. But then you get a chance to grab a coffee with them and they tell you that reaching this level of professionalism was a process. By sharing this, they were vulnerable. This way you could relate to them. Having the courage to show a broad range of experiences has the benefit that you can connect with people on a deeper level. This way your network strengthens. Also, because you showed authenticity, they might consider you when they have a job opening or an exciting project.

Oversharing

Now I’m not telling you to lay out all the details of your deepest insecurities to your boss. Actually, I might even advise against telling your network about all the things you feel you lack. Because even though you might also share your strengths during that conversation, they will only remember the parts where you are lacking. Always stay powerful and confident when telling stories. Consider, in a corporate setting, whether sharing a story is going to help or hurt your career.

Burn-out prevention

As previously mentioned, being vulnerable can be a good way to connect with others in the workplace. In addition, having emotional courage can also be a significant benefit for preventing a future burn-out. Things that might help are: hearing others talk about their struggles, sharing your challenges with a colleague or even being vulnerable towards yourself. As a result, you can implement a strategy that helps to de-stress.

Image: Unsplash, by Alexander Grey

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You are not the main character in their lives

Self / /

“Think about others as much as they think about you. ” Remember that awkward moment you had in high school or during a summer vacation? Well, the people that experienced that with you probably don’t remember. We overestimate how much time people spend thinking about us. And it’s time to let that go.

You do it too

How much do you think about others? Now choose the one person you think about most. How many hours a day do you think about them? Two, three, or four hours tops? Nobody thinks about someone else the full 24 hours a day. Most of your time is spent thinking about your own goals and challenges, basically your own life. And if this is true for you, it probably is also accurate for someone else.

People listen to respond

When you have a conversation it usually goes something like this: “Person A tells a personal story. Person B responds to that story with something similar they’ve been through.” Most times people listen to respond instead of actually listening. So even if you tell a personal story, the other person is still thinking about themselves. At the end of the day, we have to come to terms with the fact that we can only be the main character in our own lives. So focus on improving your story.

Be bold

Let’s say you want to dress differently or hang out with a different crowd. Don’t be discouraged by what others will think or even say. Because at the end of the day: “You got to think about others as much as they think about you.”

Image: Unsplash, by Bruno Figueiredo

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How you think others perceive you

Self / /

I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am. Read that again…
This term comes from sociologist Charles Horton Cooley. He created a concept around it called The looking-glass self. But more on that later.

The term

Now let’s dive deeper into the first few sentences. Basically, Charles Horton Cooley explains that we don’t form a self-image fully ourselves. Rather we create an image of what others might think of us and run with that story of our self-image. Perhaps it still sounds too abstract.

Let’s imagine someone values money, and you are around that person a lot. Then you might create an image on what that person thinks of you regarding money. That eventually becomes your self-image.
On the other hand, let’s imagine you have a presentation and the people in the room all look a little bored. You might think that they think your presentation is boring or that your non-verbal skills are poor. As a result, you think that you haven’t prepared your presentation well enough. In reality, someone in the room might be a new parent and hasn’t slept all night because of their baby.

Looking-Glass Self

You might be curious about this process of creating a self-image. Below are three main components.

  • We imagine how we must appear to others in a social situation.
  • We imagine and react to what we feel their judgment of that appearance must be.
  • We develop our sense of self and respond through these perceived judgments of others.

Reaching a self-imagined ideal

As explained above, the looking-glass self concludes that we develop our sense of self through our perceived judgments from others. To take it a step further one could try to reach a self-imagined ideal. Jay Shetty wrote in his book Think Like a Monk: “Not only is our self-image tied up in how we think others see us, but most of our efforts at self-improvement are really just us trying to meet that imagined ideal.”

Silver lining

All the concepts and examples above contain others. However, none consider what others actually think. This made me realize that in the development of our sense of self we only take into account our own thoughts and preconceptions. The silver lining in all of this is that we have the power to change our thoughts and therefore change our self-image.

Image: Unsplash, by Priyanka Singh

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Yes means saying no to all other options

Self / /

Time is essential. I used to think that saying yes was easier than saying no. But actually, it needs to be the other way around, because yes leads to commitment. Practice saying no to something you don’t want to commit to.

No is more important than yes

The first thing I thought about was that the word no creates boundaries. But it goes even deeper than that. When you say yes, you end up saying no to all other options. This makes saying no even more important than saying yes. So next to no creating a boundary, you also get to evaluate what you find really important.

Career is not always most important

You might be inclined to say yes to all opportunities in your job. Especially at the start of your career. But when you say yes to a business opportunity, you say no to time with others. Ryan Holiday said it best on the On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast. He said; “Love is spelled T-I-M-E”. So quality time with your loved ones is essential. We sometimes forget that the quality of life is not only materialistic. Time is a valuable currency we have a limited amount of.

Image: Unsplash, by Lena Polishko

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What is important to you

Business / /

Today we are going to prioritize. Have you ever wondered what did get finished today, at work? Or went to an activity that you actually did not want to go to? Well after reading this post, you can assign your Energy Budget accordingly.

Energy budget

In the book The life changing magic of not giving a fuck Sarah Knight talks about a f*ck budget. Bare with me on this one… On a f*ck budget you assign a minimum amount of f*cks to give to things. I would call it an Energy Budget because you choose what to assign your energy towards. Now Sarah does a great job explaining that you could turn down professional and personal requests politely. Why assign an energy budget? Because some times you just don’t have the energy for small talk.

4-hour work week

You might have heard this phrase on social media. Timothy Ferris has become very good at managing his Energy Budget. In his book, he proposes that 80% of the consequences flow from 20% of the causes. Put differently, 80% of the results come from 20% of the efforts and time. This was profound to me because that would mean that 20% of my work would lead to 80% of my success.

But the question is which 20% of my time and effort? Timothy has a question for that: “If you become heavily injured and only had to work 2 hours per day, what would you do?”. By answering this question we could get the same results in less time!

Communication is key

If we want to get things done in less time, it is crucial to train the people around us to be more efficient.

  • One way is by proposing corresponding by email instead of a meeting or a call.
  • If you can’t get out of a meeting. Request them to send an email with the purpose of the meeting and possible solutions. This way everybody involved already elaborated on the subject and in their view the best solution.
  • It happens that a colleague passes by and asks if you have a minute. If you have a deadline and only have a period of time to spare, define the time beforehand.
  • Now if you really don’t have time to talk, put headphones on (if that is permitted).
  • Not every email needs to be answered right away. So try to check your email a fixed amount of times during the day. Also, if it’s not urgent, respond really early or after 5 pm. This way the respondent doesn’t respond immediately.

Image: Unsplash, by Gattorete

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The secrets adults failed to tell us

Self / /

Remember when you were young and you wanted to grow up so badly? To me, having a real job, knowing what to do next, and being responsible for my own family were some things I looked forward to. Now that I’m grown, I sadly came to the conclusion: “Nobody actually knows what they are doing”.

Puzzle

Our life is a big puzzle. Our knowledge and experiences are the puzzle pieces. And we are constantly trying to put the pieces together. But nobody told us that the puzzle pieces can evolve (and change their form). So that we are constantly adjusting and realizing that the only things we know are the things we don’t know. If that makes sense to you. Really what I want to say is: once you think you have figured it out, a new level of adulthood will be unlocked.

This or that

With age and experience, I also came to realize that everything is difficult. Whether you choose a partnership or being alone it will be difficult. Staying in or out of shape will be difficult. It’s not going to get magically easier when you reach a certain level. You have to understand that life is no linear upward line that gets better with age. But there is beauty in learning and unraveling along the way.

Michelle Obama wrote in her first book Becoming: “What do you want to be when you grow up? As if growing up is finite. As if at some point you become something and that’s the end.”

Image: Unsplash, by Bianca Ackermann

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Imposter syndrome

Business / /

Do you ever feel that you are not qualified enough or feel anxious even when performing competently? Well, meet imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome is doubting your skills and having internalized fear of being exposed as a fraud. Many people experience this in their professional lives and some even in their personal lives. Ironically, these people are usually performing the best at their positions. You actually belong in that position and deserve that promotion. Below are practices to minimize this feeling.

Practice being seen

One way to manage this feeling is by practicing being seen. This way you will be aware of your competence and feel more comfortable.

  • Don’t skip the meetings. Meetings are not about the subject itself but rather about being seen. You practice being around your peers and superiors. And while you’re there, you might as well showcase your talents. In order to be seen be considered for another opportunity.
  • Let’s consider you applied for a position and you get the job. By this time others already consider you worthy enough for that position. So why would you make up doom scenarios and hold yourself back?
  • If you have a goal or want to reach something, talk about it. Only when you speak up, others will know that you want to go in a certain direction. As a result, more people will consider you when executive decisions are being made.

Front-row tickets

When you are somewhere, let’s say a meeting or a conference. And there are seats available at the front. Take those front-row seats. Firstly, because you deserve those seats as much as anyone else. Secondly, you can focus more on the subject at hand or the speaker. Lastly, you are able to meet interesting people you might have not talked to otherwise. So be bold, take that front-row seat, and start a conversation with your neighbor.

Add fuel to the fire

For those who have experienced imposter syndrome, it might be difficult to eliminate this feeling altogether. But why not let it be fuel to gain more knowledge and skills? You are in that position for a reason and hopefully, you enjoy doing the work. So why not get even better at it?

Image: Unsplash, by Charlesdeluvio

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Romanticize your life

Self / /

Picture this: you are sitting on your couch on Sunday, dreading Monday because you dislike your 40 minutes commute to work. Or you dread socializing with people. Now why not change this perspective by romanticizing the part you dread the most in your day?

Not a morning person

I don’t like to wake up early (7.45 am). I would rather sleep in and get well-rested before I start my day. But I also know that I end up regretting this on a workday because half of my day will be gone. So I like to romanticize my morning with my coffee. I have this coffee corner in my kitchen containing my favorite syrups and coffee cups. This way I can switch my mind from waking up early to getting excited about my morning coffee. Now is this super healthy, caffeine first thing in the morning? No, but it gets me out of bed.

Habit stacking

James Clear explains in his book Atomic Habits that a method for creating new habits is habit stacking. You define a current habit and stack this one with the new habit you would like to implement. Want to know more about this? click here Now I would like to add that you can also habit stack something that has to be done with something you like to romanticize. For example, the Japanese have a lifestyle called Ikigai. Ikigai is your reason for waking up in the morning, next to other principles. In the book Ikigai by Héctor García he explains that although breakfast is the most important meal, it should also be an enjoyable experience. Some people who live with Ikigai have a piece of chocolate first thing in the morning. This way they already are excited the night before.

Main character energy

And remember you are the main character of your own life. You are in control and choose your life. The things you have to do during the day are likely not going to change. But the way you react to those things can change. So elevate some moments in your life.

Image: Unsplash, by Nathan Dumlao

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